Or glazed ham for that matter it will be too soon. We put away a mountain of food over Christmas. I look like Shrek … large, green and making loud belching noises. Don’t even think about going south of the border! I damn near blew myself out of bed. Sprouts are off the menu from here on in!!! Does no one consider the damage we are doing to the planet? Global warming must go up 10 degrees when we consume tens of millions of Brussels sprouts in one day and toot methane gas for a week.
I got lovely gifts that would have fitted me before the Christmas feasting but there is only so much stretch in fabric. It will take a lot of exercising for me to get into them for summer 2020. But who can pull off wearing Santa Claus PJ’s and slippers in July? (Holy moly roly poly … I have nightmare visions of me looking like a beached whale on Portstewart Strand in my future).
It all started with a prawn cocktail, then soup and a bread roll with lashings of real butter. Then roast turkey, glazed ham, roast potatoes, mashed potatoes, carrot and parsnip, sprouts, gravy, bread sauce, cranberry sauce, chipolata’s wrapped in bacon … OMG! Then Christmas pudding and brandy sauce; Sherry trifle for the less hearty. Pavlova with fresh strawberries and cream (in December!), cheese and crackers and port. Then leftovers!!!
I’m a crawling heart attack waiting to happen. That’s because I can’t get off the couch. My arteries are clogged with cholesterol. My ass is the size of a space shuttle but can’t get off the ground. Never again!
And as if the stress of Christmas wasn’t bad enough … and believe me it was brutal out there … I made the mistake of rolling myself to the shops to see if there were any bargains on Boxing Day. Now I know why it’s called “Boxing Day”!
I put my hand out to lift a nice sweater in Primark and got knocked sideways by a woman with a manic expression and traces of red wool in her teeth. No harm to her… That purple jumper was going to clash with the colour of her face … but who am I to go all Gok Wan without oriental martial arts training?
What’s with this mad buying when we can’t afford it? We go mental and fill trolleys with food until their wheels fall off.
We spend all our time fretting and getting gifts for family and friends that we wouldn’t buy for ourselves in a million years. I’m baffled.
But was it fun for you? Did you eat, drink and be merry? What about the snow? A white Christmas … how beautiful? But it was not easy to deal with. The white van men disappeared into the landscape and took our packages with them.
Peeps were afraid to clear the pavement outside their premises in case some numpty would fall and sue them out of existence. But the law in all its wisdom … and that would be the wearers of the wigs and gowns who incidentally allowed litigation without merit or common sense to get to court in the first place so they could get paid exorbitant fees, decreed that we could do our best to help each other go about our business without fear of prosecution … we’ll see if that stands up to scrutiny.
It’s been so cold I had to thaw the dog’s baubles. The cost of fuel and heating oil has gone up to extortionate rates. I hate to say it but unless we wise up to what is going on in the world we are in for many years of poverty and disappointment. One Christmas pudding does not a world make.
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