DEALING WITH THE PAST

I am sorry my dear peeps. The past is creeping up like a stalker and apparently offloading is a form of therapy … that is debatable. How can sharing your worst life experiences with someone else heal you without harming them?

I am in a quandary. What’s new? I can put my cans on and listen to Michael Stipe singing Everybody Hurts … He has the most clear and fantastic voice. He soothes me and tells me to hang on. I love music. All kinds of music and wonderful movies and books that make me laugh and cry and feel.

It’s when I go numb that I can’t cope.

People are now so physically removed from each other that we can’t touch anymore. The Internet is a lifeline … flawed like everything else but it is a lifeline none the less. I have talked to mates in New Zealand. I talk to my Aunt and Uncle in America. I have fiends all over the planet and it is what keeps me going.

When I joined the Civil Service back in 1976 I was 16 years old. They assumed I was older so I didn’t get the 15 pence a day voucher for lunch. When they twigged the powers that be said if she has managed without them we will not back date them. I was paid £19.63 a week before tax. Sad but true.

The record section was my first job. It was like a big library with stacks of bays full of files of car info. I then got a job as information finder. That meant being phoned the reg. mark of a vehicle and running like blazes to get the file. I used to climb up the shelves like a monkey. 

The guys thought it was great craic to unfasten my bra and take it out my sleeve while I was on the phone to top brass peeps looking for information. I didn’t know what to do but try and keep calm. Not easy.

I got a front fastening bra to throw them off but they caught on. I gave up wearing a bra as I couldn’t bare it any more.

Someone I trusted pulled my T-shirt up and exposed my breasts and I ran into one of the bays and cried my heart out. Frankie McBride. After all these years I am still scarred. They thought it was funny. How can that be? How can someone who you trust and respect do that?

I do not know what is happening. Since my sister went into complete meltdown and I did my best to help her I have been sent back to a past I had made a tentative peace with … or at least put behind me.

Now I have open wounds that I cannot heal. Where the feck did I go wrong? I am fighting to keep it together but sometimes I am losing the battle. I guess we all have horror stories in our fight for life, justice and freedom. We are all scarred in one way or another. I thank the universe for you beautiful souls who help keep me going.