UNBEARABLE PAIN

My brother died in a motorcycle accident on 7 July 2006. He was 43.

He had six beautiful kids. They miss him, as do I. We didn’t always see eye to eye.

When he was born I was so jealous of all the attention he got that I went to the neighbours and told them he would have to go. I was a child myself but I wish I could take back those selfish words.

Tiger loved him like a brother. He was gutted when Desi died and has never really gotten over it. It is a shock when a loved one dies in the blink of an eye, although I have seen people suffering and lingering and I don’t know which is worse in the end.

One of my sisters has been having issues for a long time. Desi’s best friend Gary and I talked about him at his funeral. I believe we did him proud. LB told me when the police brought back his helmet it had brain matter in it. I knew that could not be true but she was adamant. I talked to her for hours and hours and wrote to her but she still maintained the worst. Me being me … trying to fix things … I contacted the coroner’s office and had them send me his autopsy report.

It was hard reading. I had made peace with his death at his funeral. I so did not need to know the weight of his liver and spleen and the fact that his aorta was severed. The number of broken ribs et al.

I rang LB to confirm that there was no brain matter in his helmet. There was no damage to his head. Do you know what she said? “I have moved on why don’t you?” She may as well have kicked me in the gut and stomped on me. I so did not seek that information for my own sake. I already had a good idea what his injuries were.

You can pick your friends but you can’t pick your relations … more’s the pity.

So here I am with graphic details that she hasn’t read. I will not and cannot send them to her because the damage it has done to me is … brutal. Painful beyond belief.

What is wrong with me that I can’t turn and walk away