SPOT THE IDIOT

That would be ME just so you know from the get go. I am a walking, talking disaster. Or perhaps that should be a fall down and injure yourself peep/freak/numpty/Wally.

I was thrown into Portstewart Harbour and then jumped on. Not really my fault. I thought I was a goner. Diving off the Harbour wall in a low tide was my own doing and nearly my undoing. I got cut on the rocks. That didn't stop me risking life and limb for ever after though.

At secondary school we were told to make our own gym skirts in sewing class. I was the only one still wearing pants months after my classmates had their skirts on. You have no idea how embarrassing it was when we went outside for running and the boys were watching. The teacher finally let me take the skirt home and mum finished it for me. Some years later I managed to tuck my dress into my very large red kickers and then stood at the bar for nearly an hour in what is now The Royal Court . No one told me. When I turned round to speak to someone the then boyfriend (now the husband, who is clearly a glutton for punishment) nearly had a heart attack. That set me on a road to ruin.

I went skinny dipping in the sea off Corfu. Lost my swimsuit and was half way to Albania looking for it. As our apartment was on the front promenade I sure did not want to walk back in the buff. Every year we went on holiday after that I did the skinny dip. Kept loosing my watch, hence I no longer wear one. You never know when I might feel the urge and jump into water without a swimsuit. Either way it is a sorry sight. Everything is going to Argentina. Only have to wait for the heed to catch up. Shouldn't be long now.

When I worked in DVLNI we had our Christmas dinner do at the Bohill. Mum made me this drop dead gorgeous suit. I didn't tell her that when I took my jacket off some b**** thought I was a waitress and gave me a drinks order. Did she not see my killer heels and seamed stockings?

Later, to add insult to injury, I went to spend a penny. As I was returning through the dining room everyone was looking at me. I thought I was hot to trot and gave it all a cat walk waggle. As I got near my table the colleagues were making waving signs. I finally looked behind me. 30 feet of pink toilet paper was stuck to my killer heel. OMG!!!!

But the husband is a disaster as well. The second time we went to Corfu we got blocked on the plane. Threw the cases into the apartment and went out to the nightspots then the beach for the aforesaid skinny dipping. We could not remember where our apartment was. Tickles and I got separated from the others. She and me were sitting outside an apartment and a motley mutt came to comfort us. Tickles decided that her boyfriend had run off with my sister and taken the aftershave she had bought him. Tickles was partly right because they found the apartment first and went to bed. In separate rooms I'll have you know.

The boyfriend was running up a street and fell into an open storm drain. Talk about black, blue, purple and green, then yellow. OMG!

He then thought he'd found the apartment but the gate was locked so he decided to climb over the spiked fence. Impaled his trousers. Lucky he missed the matrimonial's.

Never again. Oh wait a MO. Watch this space. Mad Mandy loves all her peeps. Xx